What if your ex is dating your friend
Breakups can be tough. Feelings of jealousy, self-consciousness, sadness, and anger are prevalent in such an emotionally-charged situation. Former Relationships. Learn more.
My Best Friend Is Dating My EX Now, And This Is How It Feels
Jane and I started dating when I was 16 and she was We dated for 7 years, last 2 years living together. During the time we were living together, we would often hang out with Mike, another friend from the childhood friend group. One year before our break-up, she cheated on me with my then best friend Bob. Despite me willing to forgive her and move on, she wanted to break up, but we eventually agreed to try again.
After a rather ugly year of her doing stupid things just to make me angry and me being afraid to say a word without triggering another episode of threats of her leaving me, she finally broke up with me and moved out. Despite realizing that it was the inevitable outcome at the time, I was devastated. I found out through a mutual friend that a few months later, she started dating another of our friends, Mike.
Her dating Mike, in fact, did not surprise me that much. What surprised me was that I had to learn about it from a third party, since I would expect and very much prefer Mike to approach me and tell me about it face to face. I realize that what she does is not my business anymore and I have to deal with my feelings.
I am quite introverted I did not make new friends since high school. If I want to keep my very few friends which I do , I am bound to come across the couple eventually. I don't have to interact with both Jane and Mike, but I want to. Chances are that if I wanted to break any contact with them, I would lose all my friends. I would like to keep in touch with these friends and keep hanging out with them regularly. I want to keep my friends including Mike and basically not address the fact of them dating.
That would be awkward for everybody, so I am looking for a solution which would do the least damage to friendships and still keep my face. My issue is that given our history, I have no idea how to interact with them when it comes to it. What would be a mature way to handle it? I'll start out by quoting apaul's very gracious answer:. It's good to recognize they can do what they want, but your feelings are also valid.
If these people are your friends, they should care about you too. Dodging the issue and sweeping it under the rug won't do anything to reduce tension, it will only allow it to fester. Maybe Mike feels just as awkward about it as you do and is planning to remove himself from the friend group so you don't have to see him - you won't know until you talk to him. Pretending they aren't dating is not a viable solution, so you might as well deal with it.
Approach the conversation with a goal in mind. Do you want an apology? Do you want to know XYZ? Do you want him to never talk about XYZ? Do you just want to say your piece? This will help keep you on track if things get difficult. Try to stay focused and calm during the conversation - remember that he didn't do this to hurt you - and don't be afraid to take a step back if you need to. If your goal is just "be not awkward around Mike", what would that look like for you? Try to frame it as unemotionally as possible.
Perhaps this means "we won't talk about Jane", "we will acknowledge each other at events and act civilly, but I won't expect him to talk to me one-on-one". Take this to your conversation, too, and discuss ground rules and expectations for your relationship with Mike going forward. If Mike responds poorly, that sucks, but now you know. Talk to your other friends in the group - they are surely aware of the situation - about how to approach it. Maybe you can get together without Mike on occasion try not to make them pick sides, though , or maybe you just need to distance yourself for a while.
Hopefully they will be understanding. If they take sides, that's again very unfortunate, but sometimes happens, and I suggest AndreiROM's advice to find a new group that is more caring about you. I had such a conversation a few months ago. While it didn't magically make everything OK, the strategy of preparing questions and getting them answered made me feel satisfied that it went about as well as possible, and helped my peace of mind about dealing with that particular person in the future.
Good luck. Your story is a little confusing, however the overarching theme is that your ex, and your friends are walking all over you. My advice to you is to look deep inside, realize that you're worth more than this, and move on with your life. Here are some hard facts:. Anyone willing to hook up with your friend behind your back is not worth the time of day. She's a cheater, and always will be. Purge every trace of her from your life.
Any so called friend who would hook up with your girlfriend behind your back is a back-stabbing fiend, and not worth having around. You seem to be in a fragile state of mind, but those things cannot be ignored. If you think you can simply rejoin the circle of "friends", and act like nothing's happened, then you think less of yourself than even they do. I urge you to find new friends. Get out there, join a club, start up a new hobby!
Find a reason to gain value in your own self before seeking the approval of strangers. Start working out. Learn a new language and travel. Start painting, hiking, wall climbing, whatever captures your imagination. But stop fixating on these leeches you seem to think are your friends. You're young, and it seems like without these people in your life you may be left alone, but give yourself some time to gain perspective.
Trust in your own worth, and abilities. Focus on having this episode in your life become the moment you changed for the better, not on how you might ingratiate yourself with a bunch of back-stabbing a-holes who care nothing for you. This is a situation I've found myself on all sides of over the years. The times I found myself in your position, there was usually the instinct to think and sometimes say:.
It hurts to feel rejected by a partner, it hurts more when your friend " betrays " you and starts seeing your ex. I know how that feels and I know it sucks. The thing is Even if your friend had come to you first and told you about their intentions, it still hurts. It's easy to say that if they had done things this way, or that way, it would hurt less, but in my experience it doesn't.
Having been in the others roles of this situation, I can tell you that they didn't do that to you. They most likely got together the way most couples do, and that didn't really have anything to do with you. They're not dating to hurt you, they're dating because they like each other. My issue is that given our history, I have no idea what my appropriate attitude should be towards them and how to interact with them when it comes to it. What would be a mature way to handle it, without me looking like a beaten dog?
I know that's hard to hear right now, I hated hearing it too, and I hated saying it more. Realistically it's all you can do if you want to have any sort of peaceful relationship with these people. Also, being happy for them and moving on shows that you're not a "beaten dog" It shows that you're strong enough to not let this stuff get to you.
It takes a lot of strength to carry on after a hard breakup, and it's better try to do it gracefully. Being happy for them shows that you're confident, and ok with your self as much as it says that you're ok with them. One of the key ingredients in any healthy relationship be it business, friendship, or romance, is Trust.
When your friend violated the ideal that you listed he destroyed your trust in him. This is extremely damaging to a relationship. If these two had been honest and had wanted to not betray you they would have A told you they were going to date each other. B she would have broken up with you before sleeping with someone else. I have to applaud your forgiving attitude towards your girlfriends initially. It takes a lot of effort and courage to forgive betrayals like you suffered.
I'm sorry that you are going through this. Don't hang out with either of them. If they show up at a party, just say hi and go find someone else to talk too. Don't invite them to anything you plan. If any one asks why you are treating them this way tell them something along the lines of, "They betrayed my trust. I will be polite to them, But I have no desire to be around them.
Try this on for size.
There are a few different things that happened during the time I was newly separated that caused me to classify myself as temporarily psychotic. If you find yourself starting to fancy your mate's ex, you need to ask yourself whether it's simply lust cravings for human contact or something.
Sign Up for our Newsletters. Dating a friend's ex quotes Ask yourself - we broke up. Its simple sheet. Lessons learned in my best friend who happen to date and sayings and it is the woman in my ex?
There are a few different things that happened during the time I was newly separated that caused me to classify myself as temporarily psychotic, one of those being when I figured out "my ex is dating my friend!
For me, breakups end in making all of my friends tell me I'm pretty and that my ex is a toilet person. And god help me when I see my ex is dating again.
Signs Your Ex Is Dating Someone Else
Your ex broke up with you and left you heartbroken. And while you are still trying to understand what happened and pick up the shattered pieces of your life, your ex has started another relationship. However, you are still not convinced. Your ex seems happy and their new relationship seems to be going perfectly. And the thought of it just being a rebound relationship is very comforting. The first sign is quite obvious.
Here's Why You're Allowed to Say Your Friend Can't Date Your Ex
By Chris Seiter. Specifically we are going to be taking a look at the signs that you can keep an eye out for if this fate has transpired. Any time I write an article like this I like to go above and beyond by providing unique studies and experiences to back up my theories. Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado I present the five signs that your ex is dating someone else. Before I start listing the signs I do want to point out that I am not going to limit these signs to your ex having to be in an actual relationship with someone new. Anyways, one of the most drastic changes I noticed that occurred when I got into a relationship with my wife was how differently I treated social media. I was very conscious of the fact that even the most seemingly insignificant thing like commenting on someones photo on Facebook can be taken out of context and create problems for you,. We live in the age of social media whether you like it or not where our every action is scrutinized. Generally what I tell my clients to keep an eye out for are anything that interrupts the pattern on your exes social media profile. In fact, if you look online you can find multiple cases where home run records were branded with an asterisk essentially saying that this player cheated and took steroids to achieve this record.
Trying to find ways to deal with your friend dating your ex isn't always easy. It's even worse if you and your ex didn't split on the best of terms.
It’s never OK to date your friend’s ex – and this is why
I split up with my ex a year ago and quickly started dating. I met someone nice, but within weeks I discovered that my ex and my best friend had started a relationship. When I found out, I felt a rage I had never experienced. I feel betrayed: There are rare instances when people establish a real friendship afterwards, but that requires a suitable cooling-off time first. The real betrayal is that of your best friend. Honesty and trust are the foundations of friendship and she has effectively trashed both. The chances of maintaining a friendship with her is unlikely, particularly if she is still dating your ex. However, the forgiveness part is work that you must tackle, for your benefit. The more you do it, the better you get and the stronger you become. Try to take a few quiet moments from your day to reflect on the act of forgiveness, in all its forms. Think of people you would like to forgive your ex and your friend , as well as those you might have hurt and who would like to forgive you.
Is Your Ex In a Rebound Relationship? Find Out With These Telltale Signs
The Dating Nerd is a shadowy figure whose whereabouts and identifying details remain unknown. What we do know is that he is really, really good at dating. He's been on more dates than you can shake a lengthy bar tab at, and he's here to help the average guy step his dating game up a notch — or several. I'm in a pickle. Over the last couple of weeks, I've been hanging out with a close friend's ex-girlfriend, platonically, after we ran into each other at Starbucks. We have a real connection.
In the passenger seat was my high school boyfriend. We had become infatuated with one another senior year, and we were now facing the inevitable relational shift: Our chosen colleges were three hours apart and neither one of us had a car or money. I was devastated, but a few weeks had passed and we were still in semi-regular contact. I would sign onto iChat everyday, and we spoke as if nothing really had changed. Breakups are almost unimaginably painful to begin with. So what do you do when you find out your friend, someone you also trusted, starts dating them?
My best friend is now dating my ex-boyfriend. Needless to say, it's weird. So in your opinion, what are the rules about dating exes? Does Gretchen Weiners have a point about the rules of feminism? I don't think those are the rules of feminism so much as the rules of human decency. I am so sorry your best friend is dating your ex. That's some Dawson-Joey-Pacey kind of betrayal, and I can only imagine the level of hurt you've been feeling.
Lots of people have told me unequivocally that they would never date a friend's ex. They wholeheartedly believe that it's wrong, disrespectful, and if a friend did that to them, they'd never talk to that person again. They believe this is something everybody knows, that they're just following the rules. What I've noticed, though, is that every person I've heard espouse this worldview was straight. This rule is almost never stated or enforced among queer communities.
Yes, you may as many people tend to get completely wrapped up in your own feelings and give the middle finger to anyone who tries to tell you otherwise, but if one of your besties decided to start humping your ex, would you be supportive or forgiving? Thirdly, yet without intending to come across as territorial in a caveman-defecating-on-his-patch-of-land sort of way, that person was with you and was part of your life. They were someone who significantly contributed to shaping the person you are today. Anyone familiar with Friends will be fully aware of how often they swapped and shared partners. Not only is that his best friend, but he massively betrayed him. Being honest, showing respect, and having trust in one another is the key trinity to BFFs. The 6 types of relationship you need to have experienced before you even consider marriage.When Your Ex Starts Dating Right Away Don't Panic: Here's 4 Reasons Why!