These are the things that really matter in a relationship and they are the bare minimum requirements. Having the same level of education , sharing common interests or being amazing in bed are good boyfriend qualities but they are just icing on the cake. He should be genuinely interested in what you have to say on a regular basis. Your work stories and the latest gossip amongst your girlfriends is something he should be well-versed in. You should be able to tell him stories about your childhood and he should remember them. He should care about what happened at work because it matters to you.
Are Your Standards Too High?
How do you know when your standards are coming from a place of self-respect, as opposed to a place of self-deception? So how should you examine your relationship standards critically? How do you know what is realistic to ask, and what is too much to be asking of any potential partner? If you tell people that you need a thoughtful, attentive, romantic, communicative, passionate, athletic, well-educated partner who just loves to give massages, cook and snuggle, then you might be in for a rude awakening.
Are all of those things absolutely necessary to your love life feeling complete? Then you might need to re-evaluate. While there are certain deal breakers that are fairly universal being ill-mannered, self-centred, abusive, etc. Have you ever skipped over a potential love interest because of one small bad habit?
Or because of one mildly unattractive physical element? Or one verbal misstep? Slow it down. You might be holding them to an unattainable standard. Are you holding out because you want a relationship like this celebrity and that celebrity , or your parents , or these movie characters? Well guess what? And what works for them might not work for you.
It might give you the warm and fuzzies to think about emulating another seemingly successful couple, but you have to fall in love with a person… not fall in love with a fantasy. Are you adding up a points list about their income, family background, societal stature, and number of abdominal muscles you can count? Let it go. You are not entering into a business contract with this person. How your potential partner makes you feel is vitally important.
Are you choosing your partner, or are your family, friends, society, and cultural influences choosing them for you? Yes, intimacy comes with a small amount of anxiety. Truly letting someone in and knowing every last part of you is nerve racking for even the most steadfast person. Simplify your expectations. Get honest with yourself. Want an example? My criteria are as follows: Everything outside of those three things is an awesome bonus.
And those are specific to me. We all have unique needs and emotional hot buttons. So sit with it, and really think it over. What three things do you truly need in a partner to make your heart soar with joy? To counteract this, build a happy single life first. Spend time with inspiring people that energize you. Make friends who are more encouraging than they are hard on you. If you replace any perfectionistic tendencies you may have with more realistic ones then that compassion that you will be extending to yourself will carry over into how you search for partners.
There are likely a few things that you have always told yourself are absolute deal breakers for you when it comes to finding a partner for yourself. A lot of them are probably totally legitimate displaying dishonesty, a quick temper, or cruelty , but others… not so much. If you lose interest on a first date because your new acquaintance says one negative thing maybe they were nervous or trying to be ironic , or forgot to clean under their finger nails, then you might need to give people a bit more of a chance.
The missing trait need not be a deal breaker if reframed. Do you actually need someone who is taller than you, or do you just like the end result of feeling protected? Do you really need your partner to be university educated, or do you just value deep, stimulating conversation? Do you really need someone with a minimum of 10 stamps in their passport, or do you simply want a partner with a sense of adventure?
Question the reasons behind your standards and you might be able to see yourself and your future spouse with a lot more clarity. There is a difference between searching for your ideal partner, and searching for a unicorn. Recognize your patterns, acknowledge them when they arise, and see the person across from you as they are, not as their resume suggests.
Photo courtesy of DepositPhotos. Sex and relationship coach Jordan Gray helps people remove their emotional blocks and maintain thriving intimate relationships. When he's not coaching clients or writing new books , Jordan loves to pretend he's good at surfing, immerse himself in new cultures, and savour slow-motion hang outs with his closest companions. You can see more of his writing at JordanGrayConsulting. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam.
Learn how your comment data is processed. Really good sensible down to earth article. Nope, cannot reduce bellow just three elements. Unless i use very broad descriptions with would be: We are compatible as in we have a few common interests and our general attitudes dont clash 2 very attractive as in the first time i see her i feel like a train of lust trampled over me 3. Good person. Being single is a blast!
Great article…filled with valuable, heartfelt advice…that can quite possibly produce tangible results…much appreciated, thank you! Oh man oh man — someone interpreted this article as being targeted at women, and hoo-boy, are they pissed. First Name Last Name. Friend's Email Address. Your Name. Your Email Address. Jordan Gray says that there is a massive difference between healthy standards and being overly picky. Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free.
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In order to have a successful and happy relationship, you absolutely must find a boyfriend that has every single one of these personality traits. These are the things that really matter in a relationship and they are the bare minimum requirements. You should be able to tell him. Having high standards is not gender related. It does not only apply to 'high maintenance' women, but rather, it's a gender-neutral concept.
I have a friend. Ashley is 32, well-educated, smart, attractive, and a good person. Years ago Ashley met David through a mutual friend. David is a physician, nice-looking, cultured, and has an outgoing, life-of-the-party personality.
How do you know when your standards are coming from a place of self-respect, as opposed to a place of self-deception?
School can wait. Scholarships can be deferred.
What Does it Mean to Have High Standards in Dating?
The only thing is that there is a major disparity between the type of standards that you should have and how much. It seems to be one extreme to another — either too little or too much. Standards are there to allow you to ensure that there are basic needs that are met by partners and that you have clearly defined behaviours that are unacceptable if someone wants to be with you. These are the standards that you should not be rolling over to throw out the window the moment that you have an orgasm or are feeling a little insecure. Basic criteria should mean that a partner should behave in a caring, honest, trustworthy manner.
What Are Your Standards for Dating?
Love fuels our dreams. Love is hope. Love is what we live for. This is the message conveyed in the majority of romance novels and romantic comedies. According to the media, love is dramatic and all consuming. Here are a few questions to ask yourself to find out if you have unrealistic dating expectations:. Too picky: The standard:
Having high standards is not gender related. Guys have their preferences, as do girls.
Years ago I attended a high school summer camp retreat, and one night, one of our adult leaders corralled all of us girls into a room, leaving all of the boys on the other side of a closed door. What did this top secret, girls-only discussion consist of?
Dating Standards: The 5 F’s [with Podcast]
Well, I heard through the grapevine that she was interested in me. And she said YES! During that time I had tons of pressure to kiss her. This was my first and last girlfriend before I met Stephanie, who is now my wife. Stephanie was the only girl I ever wanted to date; I wanted to marry her. As fun as it is to think about spending some time with a special person, dating can be a real trap for us when we are young. We all need to have limits in each area of our lives that will protect us emotionally and physically—and dating is no exception. Because our family has six children, over the years my parents have come up with some really good ideas on dating—even though at the time my brother and sisters were not always too crazy about them. By boyfriend or girlfriend, I mean having a one-on-one, exclusive dating relationship. Most young men and women start looking for love before they can handle it. It just is not good to awaken your love before it is ready for the real deal.
Having Standards in Dating and Relationships
When you have exciting career news or you want to share a hilarious thing you saw on the bus to work, something stops you. You miss being single. It often happens that you miss your single days, so why are you staying in the relationship? Maybe you tried to date outside of your type or you hoped the chemistry would kick in at a later stage, only to find that the physical attraction is severely lacking in your relationship. He, on the other hand, finds you hot as hell. This just makes things weird. Something just feels off.
How To Establish And Maintain Your Dating Standards
A single friend has very strong ideas about what they want from a relationship and about what they want from a partner. It all seems to be set in stone. The truth is, for many of us the expectations and reality of being in a relationship are a difficult combination. While some people have expectations that are too high when they're dating, others seem to throw their relationship values out the window when they meet someone new, because they're eager to make things work. It can seem like our expectations of a relationship when we're single are very different than our standards when we're actually in one. And now, there's research that back that up. A new study in the journal of Personality And Individual Differences looked at how our expectations change before and after we get into a relationship.
It goes something like this: Find Her, 2. Follow her, 3. Finger Her 4. Forget her. Follow her?
.How To Apply Standards In Dating - Ask Mark #51